Most everyone that knows anything about me knows that I have a sick obsession with movies. As a kid I collected VHS and spent many nights staying up way past my bedtime so I could watch any and everything on late night premium cable channels. I would watch absolutely any movie. I turned into a Horror snob around 5th grade, reading Fangoria and Rue Morgue and had a love for the weird and the obscure, of which there is a plenty, always hitting up the dirt malls and flea markets digging through dirty old bins of low grade VHS tapes that have probably never even seen life on a store shelf. Later in life the DVD would hit the market and I started to amass a spectacular library of titles, eventually surpassing the 3,000+ mark. After so many years as a horror movie aficionado, I was started to run out of movies so I opened my mind and started watching movies from all walks of life. Throughout all these years I was also collecting and downloading movies from IRC channels and eventually learned the bittorrent ropes, which has turned my already monstrous collection into something that would make Cthullu shit himself.

Movie reviews and critics are something I have always despised and neither has ever swayed my opinion to watch or not to watch something. Everyone’s entitled to an opinion, but once you tell someone they should avoid seeing a movie, because they didn’t enjoy it, you should watch it on principle alone. That’s where I come in. I am going to start posting the most recent movies I have watched, with a little information on each of them in hopes that some of my viewing pleasure and displeasure can help you discover movies you probably wouldn’t have heard of otherwise. You may find yourself wondering how I came across most of these movies, but like I said, a decade of hunting down the rare and hidden gems is a passion of mine. You’ll also find a healthy dose of mainstream Hollywood movies. I am no film snob by any means. I’ll watch anything, just yesterday I watched a VHS I found at goodwill called ‘How to Hunt Wild Turkeys’. All I have to say about that is, now I know! You won’t find me critiquing cinematography, or other typical things you will find in a review from imdb or amazon which are written by pretentious wannabe film school students. I’ll keep it short and sweet and try to write it in a very casual manor, as if I was just a friend recommending a movie. Fuck that pretentious movie review format.

So here we go:

Suggestions from a Cinephile Vol. 1




Contagion (2011)



A new deadly disease is spreading across the world and an international team of doctors contracted by the CDC and Morpheus try to deal with it. I went into this movie completely blind. It’s one of these ensemble cast movies that inexplicably has 15 Hollywood A-Listers and none really outshines the other. Honestly, the premise of the movie is fantastic. I love come some end of the world thrillers, but it really reminded me of those other recent ensemble cast movies that are named after shitty holidays; Valentines Day and New Years Eve come to mind. The pacing of the movie is just enough to keep you interested, but the biggest turn off is the end. If you are really butthurt by spoilers then avoid the next sentence. Turns out the whole movie was building up to its Liberal ‘Don’t Eat Meat or the world will fucking end’ message. I should have seen that coming simply by seeing who starred in the movie. Liberal Scumbags Matt Damon and Gwyneth Paltrow are better than you and they should tell you how to live via shitty movie propaganda.

Decent Suspense and an interesting look at how the country would deal with a deadly outbreak, but other than that, meh. Let’s just say I won’t ever watch it again.





Best of the Best (1989)




Chris Penn. Need I really say more? And is it just me or does Chris Penn look less like Sean Penns plump brother and more like Joe Pescis stand in circa Home Alone 2?

In all seriousness, this is about forgotten 80’s direct to video action star Eric Roberts, a down on his luck Karate competitor hoping for one last shot at Glory which comes in the hopes of James Earl Jones asking him to join the USA National Karate Team. That’s right. James Earl Jones in what is probably his best performance since playing King Jaffee in Coming to America.

This is one of those movies that would come on the USA network around 4 in the afternoon during summer break when I was in 5th grade, and it would capture my attention every time it came on. I found this bad boy in the 5 dollar bin at Wal-Mart and I couldn’t grab it fast enough, I leapt towards it as if there was some rush on it and I was going to have to emulate the movie to secure it as my own.

When it comes to 80’s movies about Karate Tournaments starring Eric Roberts, this is probably in the top 3. If you’re a fan of over acting, awesome one liners and karate, then this is for you.

It also spawned three sequels, the second of which I would also recommend.



Six Feet Under (2001 – 2005)



This was my girlfriend’s idea to watch after having shown her several other HBO originals like Carnivale, Oz, The Wire and Game of Thrones. We just finished the fifth and final season and the only word that comes to mind is:

OVERRATED

The show is about 4 seasons too long, the characters are unlikeable and seeing Dexter being a fruit cake is just bizarre. It had some engaging moments and story Arcs, but after years of hearing how great and intellectual it is, I think I’ve been had. Not for everyone, but I wouldn’t say to stay away from it completely. Watch a few episodes and decide for yourself, all I can say to that is after 3 or 4 episodes; you have a very general idea for what the entire show is like.




Frogs (1972)



What can I say about the movie Frogs that hasn’t already been said about The Godfather? Coincidentally they both came out the same year and I am appalled that that bore fest, The Godfather stole all the attention from what is now probably my favorite Man vs. Animal movie, overtaking Phase IV (pffft Ants. Fuck Ants. WAR FROGS!)

When I was in elementary school and I used to walk up to the local VHS Dump called 2 Day Video, the only rental store in town that wasn’t a Blockbuster, I would lay my eyes on the cover of this VHS almost every time I was browsing the Horror section and it always made me laugh, but I never mustarded the sense to rent it. If I could visit my former self, I would make me see the error of my ways and then Past and Future me would watch Frogs together. Why oh why did I never grab it? What a fool I was…

Anyways…

This movie, believe it or not stars Sam Elliot. That’s right, Virgil from Tombstone! In this movie he is a freelance photographer documenting pollution in a swamp when low and behold the Swamp strikes back! And not just with frogs either. We’ve got Spanish moss, big mother fucking spiders, Skinks, Geckos, Anoles, snakes, Baby Crocodiles and monster Alligators.

Why am I even bothering telling you what I thought? It’s called fucking FROGS for godsake. Just look at that poster. You can’t honestly tell me you don’t want to watch it.

The movies message is a powerful one and shouldn’t go forgotten. We can’t abuse nature the way we do or else Skinks and Frogs will lock us in a Green House and use various chemicals mixed together to make a poison gas and Asphyxiate us to death. You think I’m kidding about that last part? Watch the movie! These Frogs are smart!

All in all, this movie is TOADALLY awesome.





Deadly Prey (1987)




Yeah Baby! That’s Right! I saved the best for last.

DEADLY FUCKING PREY!

Stop reading and go watch this fucking movie.

This movie is very hard to find and is considered among many to be a holy grail in the VHS circuit. Thankfully, because of the internet and Cinemageddon I was finally able to obtain a copy of it. I have spent many moons trying to acquire this and now it is mine and I realize I should have spent whatever it cost to buy it.


If you were discussing a list of the Top 20 80’s First Blood rip-offs, this is easily number one. Ted ‘Danton’ Prior of…. Shitty Action International Pictures 80’s bargain bin VHS fame along with his spectacular Mullet, Tan and Cut Off Shorts star in this homage to the 1933 Classic, The Most Dangerous Game.

A group of mercenaries in training like to train using live prey. Only this time, they fucked with the wrong Mullet. I really can’t say too much about it without ruining the fun of watching it the first time. This is a party tape. Get this, grab a few friends who have a good sense of humor, drink a couple dozen beers and prepare yourself to laugh non stop. This movie has more clichés than every other movie made in the 80’s has combined, and I mean that as a good thing.

Why should I be suggesting this to you, when you can just watch the Trailer:





That’s all I have for now, with plenty more to come next time and the time after that and so on and so on infinite. I understand that some of the movies I suggest aren't for everyone. It takes a special kind of person to be able to distinguish a bad movie from a BAD movie and to have the patience to learn to understand the difference as well as being able to tolerate low grade film making. But I swear I will never steer you in the wrong direction.

Until next time… WATCH ANYTHING

tl;dr ♥

I love watching movies like these...great idea and I appreciate the effort you made to shine a little light on the lesser known..A+

Is there 1 or VHS or DVD movies your dying to own.. like the holy grail for you? I love going to the thrift store and I can always keep an eye open..

(01-20-2012 06:29 AM)WorkingClassHero Wrote:  Is there 1 or VHS or DVD movies your dying to own.. like the holy grail for you? I love going to the thrift store and I can always keep an eye open..

VHS

Beasties



There are only 200 copies of it on VHS. I have a rip of it, but to actually own one of the VHS'. I would have it encased and have it as the center piece in my TV room.

Fucking NO SOLD! Fuck it. Here are todays entries:

A Very Harold and Kumar Christmas (2011)




I’ll start off by saying that I’m not a pot head and I have only even used Marijuana 3 or 4 times in my life, but it’s just not for me, but I am a sucker for stoner comedies, Stoned Age FTW.

The funniest thing about this movie was the fact that my girlfriend made me waffles for breakfast and one of the first scenes is a hilarious faux ad for Waffle Bot and Kumar was mesmerized. The movie also has one of my new favorite lines, when his friend asks him to go to a party and his reply is “No, I have to stay here and smoke all this pot… Or else I won’t get high.” I nearly shit my pants. I had to pause it because I was laughing so hard. He said it so serious and completely out of nowhere, on top of the fact that it was 5 am this morning and I was still not zoned in myself.

Typical over the top stoner comedy stuff that we’ve come to expect from this franchise, and if you take it for what it is, you will love it. Good for a laugh, but probably not a lot of replay value unless you’re introducing it to a friend.





Raw Force (1982) A.K.A. Kung Fu Cannibals



A group of martial arts students are en route to an island that supposedly is home to the ghosts of martial artists who have lost their honor. A Hitler lookalike and his gang are running a female slavery operation on the island as well. Soon, the two groups meet and all sorts of crazy things happen which include cannibal monks, piranhas, zombies, and more!

I don’t even know what I just watched. This movie was all over the place and the fact that one of the leads looked just like my dad did around the time this movie was made had me asking him a lot of questions about what he was up to in 1982. He denies having ever starred in a movie, but something tells me he is not to be trusted.

This movie was all over the place, but it was a fun ride. The pacing is what kills this movie though. Long periods of boring wtf moments followed by short burst of awesome so bad it’s good moments. If you have the patience to sit through it, I don’t think you would be disappointed, but this is the kind of bad movie that takes a certain kind of person to appreciate.

Fuck the no sold, keep this going. I love my Wigglez recommendations. Dude, Frog is one of my all time faves. One of the first DVDs I ever bought, along with Killer Klowns and Night of the Living Dead. It's fucking amazing.

Six Feet Under, I felt the exact same way. Heard so much good about it, and I love Michael C. Hall, and Kathy Bates directed a bunch of episodes, but it struck me as pretentious and boring as hell, I watched maybe 3 episodes.

Downloading Raw Force now.

As soon as I get a new TV so I can hook my computer to it again, I'm gonna start watching more movies. I've got the better part of 1,000 on my computer I haven't watched yet.

The hardest part of having so many movies is choosing what to watch. Lately I've just been introducing my gf to movies because she grew up very sheltered and hasn't seen very much.

I also play roulette. Ill just scroll through randomly and pick a movie I haven't seen yet. That's how I watched Raw Force today.

I do tend to spend a lot of time just browsing, trying to decide what I'm in the mood for.

I went fucking apeshit with the freeleach on cinemageddon last month. Sooo many awesomely bad movies.

Me too. I already have 60 more bookmarked for the next freeleech. CG freeleech is better than every holiday rolled into one. I searched movies starring Roddy Piper, I can't fucking wait.

One Blow!
The Deathblow!

goddamnit that sold me

got a link for Beasties?

I now want to see Frogs, the fact that Sam Elliott is in it is bonus. I live right down the street from a decent size flea market so if I ever see that Beasties VHS I'll hook it up too.

(01-21-2012 12:43 AM)KidEx Wrote:  got a link for Beasties?

But of course! Its on that site I sent you an invite for:

cinemageddon.net/details.php?id=59494

Warning. It's bad. Really Bad. Only for seasoned and hardened cinema warriors with true grit. Even I almost didn't survive. Remember the plot of MST3K was for Dr. Forrester to find the worst movie ever so he could use it to take over the world? Well, Beasties was what he should have been looking for.

I'm going to find Deadly Prey now. Do you have any Blaxploitation suggestions? I've seen Dolemite, Boss Nigger, Hell Up in Harlem, Big Money Hustlas, The Mack.

I like this thread!

(01-21-2012 10:34 AM)AllanDayton Wrote:  I'm going to find Deadly Prey now. Do you have any Blaxploitation suggestions? I've seen Dolemite, Boss Nigger, Hell Up in Harlem, Big Money Hustlas, The Mack.

BOY DO I!

I'll watch some I haven't seen for you and write something up, but off the top of my head some of my favorites are, aside from the ones you mentioned:

Sweet Jesus Preacher Man



Black Belt Jones



Three The Hard Way




Bucktown



Disco Godfather



Black Caeser
















I could literally go on and on all fucking day. Blaxploitation is one of my favorite genres.

U forgot Coffee and Boss Nigger!

(01-21-2012 01:21 PM)Landshark Wrote:  U forgot Coffee and Boss Nigger!

(01-21-2012 10:34 AM)AllanDayton Wrote:  I'm going to find Deadly Prey now. Do you have any Blaxploitation suggestions? I've seen Dolemite, Boss Nigger, Hell Up in Harlem, Big Money Hustlas, The Mack.

No poster doesn't mean it wasn't mentioned.

My bad still a great movie. Try to get a copy withthe theme song fully intact

Can you suggest the 5 most fucked up movies you've ever seen (besides Niggas' Revenge, not gonna watch gay porn)? Doesn't matter which way it's fucked up, as long as they're movies I wouldn't want my family to know I've seen.

(01-21-2012 02:40 PM)peachfuzz Wrote:  

I watched this for the first time since I was a kid a while back. I didn't realize as a kid just how shitty those effects were back then.

(01-21-2012 02:51 PM)SalsaShark Wrote:  

(01-21-2012 02:40 PM)peachfuzz Wrote:  

I watched this for the first time since I was a kid a while back. I didn't realize as a kid just how shitty those effects were back then.

I think I knew it even back then, but that doesn't stop the movie from being horrendously awesome.

Thanks for taking the time out, Wiggz! I gotta get my torrent on now.

I've come across a few gems lately:

Tucker and Dale vs. Evil
I Sell the Dead
Grave Encounters

I know there's more, but that's all I can think of at the moment.

this thread inspired me to redownload/watch point break

(01-21-2012 05:03 AM)Wigglez Wrote:  

(01-21-2012 12:43 AM)KidEx Wrote:  got a link for Beasties?

But of course! Its on that site I sent you an invite for:

cinemageddon.net/details.php?id=59494

Warning. It's bad. Really Bad. Only for seasoned and hardened cinema warriors with true grit. Even I almost didn't survive. Remember the plot of MST3K was for Dr. Forrester to find the worst movie ever so he could use it to take over the world? Well, Beasties was what he should have been looking for.

I gotta see it!

I already downloaded My Demon Lover from there, thankfully I got in on freeleach when you told me about it cause no one else is downloading it, what a shame.

get it and review it! I'd like to see your professional opinion on My Demon Lover.

(01-22-2012 12:58 AM)KidEx Wrote:  get it and review it! I'd like to see your professional opinion on My Demon Lover.

I actually downloaded it when I linked it to you. I'll watch that tomorrow for sure.