Realized off of a recent thread not a lot of people on this board have any idea who I am mostly because I tend to be the vanilla flavor on this board. Decided I will start posting stories from my childhood and growing up in this thread. Background on me is as follows: My mom was probably bi polar, but never diagnosed. She was a Phoenix Suns cheerleader for a while, spent some time in a psych ward because she had been up so long on speed. She has been married five times, my dad was her fourth marriage, she got pregnant with me to keep my dad around. My Dad is a self made man, grew up without in door plumbing and electricity. He had both of these for the first time when he went to college. He has a PHD, worked on Gemini and Apollo, has an Airman's Medal of Honor, which he gained by saving a woman and her three kids trapped on top of their car in the middle of a flood, he had to go hand over hand on a barbed wire fence carrying them out one by one to safety. He is considered the godfather of modern dairy nutrition, he fought major corporations to change the way people feed their cattle. During this he was threaten by the mob, had his office shot up, and a lot of other things.

Onto the siblings then, I have five brothers and five sisters. Only my youngest sister is a full blood sibling. Three brothers are half, and three sisters are half. Two brothers my parents took in during their teens. One was kicked out at 15 from his own parents, another had both parents die within a week of each other and he was my brothers friend so we took him in. One sister is a cousin whose dad died of cancer, and my aunt has one of the worst diagnosed cases of OCD in the nation, so she couldn't raise my cousin, so we took her in as well. There is a gap of about 25 years from oldest to youngest kid.

Then there is me I guess, out of my mom's kids I am the only one that hasn't had a run in with the cops. I am a decently nerdy guy, but I played every sport except basketball in high school. I didn't become a decent athlete until my senior year. I was the All American kid, 4.0, didn't party, didn't drink, didn't chase a lot of girls. All of this was mostly because I watched all of my brothers throw away scholarships, or a good chunk of their lives chasing all these things. I don't become angry very easily, but when I do I almost blackout in a rage. This has only happened a couple times in my life. I have never actually been in a fight in my life, outside of my brothers, I just tend to walk away. Lately I have started my own business and am doing decently well with it, have two daughters, who have become a very very large chunk of my life. People who don't get why parents post a lot about their kids, don't get that once you have kids, they become the focus of your life. You don't necessarily lose yourself, but you redefine yourself, if that makes sense. My whole goal with my kids is to be different from my dad who was gone three weeks out of four when I was little, I don't have a lot of memories of him, until about 10 or 12. I want to be very active in my kids lifes. Anyway that is a background on me, now I will just post the crazy shit that occured in my life.

Didn't party it up, didn't chase bitches, Didn't get shitfaced? Your childhood stories sound like they'd be boring!
Just kidding. I'm interested in reading it. Go on.

I think most people have heard the story of how I was raped by a female pig on this forum, so I will skip that one for now. I want to give a taste of my mom. My mom was fiercely protective on her kids, and lavished on them. We really didn't have any rules at my house except don't stay out past curfew. You want to smoke pot? Fine. You want to drink? Fine. You want to fuck girls? Fine, just don't do it at the house. Hell my brother JD announced he was going to go lose his virginity, and we applauded when he came back. This is an example of two brothers breaking the only rule. Two of my brothers had been out to a party and actually came back on time, but didn't come in and tell my mom that they were home, so she was worried. Well later that night they went out to go grab something at the local convenience store, right about the time my mom went to look for them. Our house had a mile long driveway to get to it and my mom finally found them on their way home and followed them up the whole driveway. After they jumped out of the car, my mom left them no room to explain, and proceeded to start beating the shit out of them with her purse (which weighed probably 20 pounds). Now both brother's were all state football players, and my mom is maybe 5'2. They sprinted out into the cow pasture, with my mom following behind them yelling " You bunch of pussies you are running from a WOMAN" One brother replied "Yeah, but you are a CRAZY woman." They ended up having to sleep down by the shit lagoon, before they could return in the morning.

Good story of my dad, my dad is probably one of the more giving people I know, once he found a woman in our church had her husband leave and leave her and her son without anything around Christmas, so he went out and bought her and her son about five grand worth of stuff to fill up their cabinets, and to give the kid an amazing Christmas. That being said, if you work with my dad, he becomes a different guy, angry, aggressive and he cusses like a sailor. One time, he had my three older brothers cleaning up our garage, and they were probably around 5, 7 and 13 around this time. Well my dad is cussing up a storm and calls the brother who is around 5, a son of a bitch, and my brother looks up at him and goes, "Dad I am little bastard today." My dad laughed so hard he couldn't even punish that brother.

I never heard the story of you being raped by a pig.

Here I wrote it up for a class once easier just to copy and paste it.

It was the fall of 1992 and my family had moved to Texas far from my home of California and while some dreams of being an Olympic swimmer had ended in my eight year old mind, others had opened, such as, owning my own pig. My whole life I had loved pigs, and now that we were in the country I finally got one, a pot bellied pig named Charlotte. Charlotte was a delightful creature that I fed every morning, though she already weighed at least 250 pounds, massive in comparison to my lithe 80 pound frame, I would later learn to my horror. She was midnight black, covered with the coarse hair that had once covered toothbrushes across the nation. Charlotte was mine and she was beautiful in my eight year old world, my first pet ever really.
I spent the whole summer learning the ways of the country from my dad and the workers of our dairy. Every day was spent exploring, taking care of my pig, and avoiding whatever new tortures my four older brothers had dreamt up that day. I had spent the dreadfully humid days of that summer absorbing every fact I could from my oh so knowledgeable father from what fresh cows were, (they were cows that had just had calves), to what cows ate besides grass, which is what every eight year old thinks was their only source of nutrition. It was a dream of a summer, little did I know that the horrors had yet to begin and when they did, they would target me and me only.
The fall had begun and I was rapidly beginning to make friends with the kids in Mrs. James class, as I was something new, exotic, a new kid from CALIFORNIA. Even with the rush to get ready in a house with five kids, I still was diligently feeding Charlotte every morning and basically being the only living thing she interacted with as she wandered through our yard filled with geese and ducks. The leaves had begun to fall and with them the henceforth unknown delicacy of pecans. I loved picking up pecans every day, because my dad loved them, and we would spend time together cracking the shells and discussing our new life.
Life in Texas was different, slower, than the frantic pace of California. We had left California shortly after the riots had engulfed the whole area around us, even coming to the town next us called Riverside. My family had finally sold its house after trying for three years, and we moved to the dairy my dad had owned since I was born. It was off to the biggest adventure of my life, or so I thought, in truth it was the prelude to an event that continues to haunt me to this very day.
The day of the incident had began like any other, feeding Charlotte early in the morning, and picking up pecans in the backyard in the afternoon, if only I had known what was about to happen that cool fall day, I would never had stepped out the door. I remember the sky being a powdered baby blue, the air already beginning to become cold as ice with the coming of winter, and the crunching of the leaves beneath my small feet. I had begun my daily round up of pecans and was focused so intently, that I did not notice Charlotte’s stealthy approach. Before I knew what was happening, I was on my back my mind screaming that I was being attacked and mauled by what I thought was my friendly pig, a little too friendly I would shortly find out. Underneath her crushing weight I cried out for help, pleading for someone, anyone to save me from being killed by my pig. My whole family came rushing out, yes this is it, I thought salvation from being killed, and my heroes promptly…. hit the ground in convulsions. Then it dawned upon my eight year old mind, Charlotte wasn’t killing me she was umm, humping me. In all the knowledge I had gained that summer, I had not been taught one thing essential to my survival, animals can and will go into heat. My body was Charlottes playground and play she did. The pack of hyenas that my family had become laughed so hard and so long, that Charlotte had time to finish whatever business she wanted to conduct and get off me. I lay there looking at the sky that had formally looked so inviting from inside my house, feeling the air that was suddenly not cold enough to cool my burning cheeks, and the leaves that had been all crunched out by the hog’s exertions upon my mangled frame. I finally picked myself up with what little pride I had left, and my two immediate brothers, JD and Travis, being the comedians they were, decided this was too great a chance and lay on the ground in front of Charlotte hoping for a second act of my personal drama. The final blow to my pride was thrown though, and she turned up her nose at them and walked off. She was in heat for no one else but me. For two weeks I dared not enter the backyard because Charlotte lurked there, waiting for me to step out to begin her chase of me, eternally trying to tackle me just once more. Thus was I fully baptized into the ways of the country and the harsh lessons it taught.

tl;dr.

glad you grew up. plus rep.

Let's move onto a siblings encounter with the law, plus you get to see some wrath of the mom. So one of my brothers REALLY like to smoke pot, and party in general. Well he hung out with a lot of potheads, and one night they decided to get high and ride around in my brother's jeep and play mailbox baseball. Well the geniuses decided to do the county judges house....twice.....with her sitting on the front porch. Well the full force of the law fell upon said brother, but the judge knew my mom, liked her, and decided to let my brother off. So my mom in retaliation takes my brother away from his friends all summer, anddddd gets drug testing instituted at our high school. Needless to say my brother was not that popular with those friends anymore. (In case you are wondering where my mom got this much influence, we were the richest family in the whole town, and as a result of small town politics got away with a lot.)

Funny cop story while I think of it. One Saturday morning early, my dad was rushing my little sister to the high school and was pulled over by a cop. My Dad yelled at the guy "Gary I don't have time to fuck with you right now, or my daughter will miss the bus, I'll meet you at the station." Then he drove off. After he dropped off my sister he showed up at the police station and as soon as he walked in the whole place erupted laughing, and they all asked him if he really told Gary to fuck off. He replied that he did, and they found it so funny he never got a ticket.

Let's talk about one of our workers we called Tacho. Now Tacho was somewhat of a ladies man, and happened to date the cousin of one of our workers. Well one night Tacho and her were having sex, and she wanted to try anal, so Tacho sticks it in and starts to work it. Well after a little bit, she asked him to stop because it hurt, and he slaps her ass with both hands and goes" If you ask for it you get it." and kept going. His nickname on the dairy after that was rump humper.

Lots of Tacho stories actually. Another time Tacho went out dancing with another worker, and he was busy dancing with a group of girls, particularly the one he thought was the hottest. He freaking dances with her all night and it's getting close to time for him to take her home, when our other worker walks to him, and askes him if he is having a good time. Tacho replies "Oh yeahhh man, dancing with beautiful vemen, I think I am going to fuck that hot one over there." To which the other worker replies "Tacho, that's a dude." So yet another nickname was born for Tacho "Bailar Con Hoto." Or we said his indian nickname was dances with fags.

Let's tell a story about my mom/me/dad. As I stated before my dad was gone working usually three weeks out of four when I was little. My dad is quite a bit older than my mom, so his generation was you support your family and that's all you really have to do to be a good dad. Well anyway all of us kids were involved in sports, but one week when my dad was actually in town, I had a baseball game on one side of town and two of my brothers had games on the other side of town. Now my ballgame was in the ghetto part of town, and my dad was supposed to pick me up (I was probably 8ish at this time.) My mom went to my dad's office before hand and reminded him he had to pick me up, and while my mom was there this salesman walked in that she knew my dad didn't even like, so it should be no problem. Well fast forward a couple hours and a family that had kids the same age as us, walk up to my mom at the other park, and ask her who was supposed to pick me up, because I had been sitting at the other end of town, by myself, for an hour or two now.

Well my mom gets PISSED and calls my dad, and pretty much calls him everything, but a white man, because how dare he miss his only son's game on one of the few weeks he was in town, talking to a salesman she knows he doesn't like. Even though he was closer to where I was my mom, still gets across town and picks me up before he could. Fast forward oh 30 mins or so, and little Stevie McCorkel is sitting in the front seat of my mom's suburban watching the games with her holding his nose because he had had a bloody nose for like 10, 20 mins. My mom is sitting there drinking a big gulp full of diet coke, with Stevie, and my dad comes tearing up in his truck and parks a good 10 feet from my mom and decides a good defense is a good offense and starts yelling at my mom acting like it was all her fault. Well my mom gets angry and just throws her coke at him. It flys past Stevie, out the window, through the 10 feet of air, and through my dad's window and blasts him upside his face drenching him in diet coke. He throws the truck into reverse and flies off. Stevie looks at my mom and tells her in a nasal tone with his nose still pinched shut"That was a really good shot Mrs. Loper"

Well after my brothers games we head home, and my mom is terrified of how my dad is going to react. She tells us to just sneak inside the backdoor and go straight to bed. My dad is waiting in the living room by the backdoor. We kids, run up into our bedrooms, while my mom acts busy in the kitchen, dreading the confrontation with my dad. Well she eventually sacks up and goes into the living room where my dad looks at her and goes "That was a pretty good shot deadeye."

My mom LOVED to talk about sex all the time, student council over, bam! told the girls who were president and vice president, only to give blowjobs before marriage, save sex for marriage. Another time told me what sex was like on acid, pretty much the dick changes colors. Another time when I first brought friends home from college, told them within 15 minutes of meeting them, that she once gave my dad such a good blowjob, he bought her mercedes. We as kids pretty much knew whenever my parents had sex, because my mom would tell us afterwards. I know that I am the result of her and her best friend playing a game where they shot birthcontrol pills at the toliet and if they made it the other person had to take a shot of tequilla. Out of all the kids, I am the only one who never walked in on them having sex, brother Trav did, when they came slinking down out of the bedroom 30 mins later, he looked at them and said "Doggystyle eh?" Another time my sister woke up in the middle of the night and my mom was riding my dad, and she asked what were they doing? and my dad quickly says "I am just rocking your mom to sleep."

---

Who is actually reading all of these?

I am.

Honey Badger's post is the only one worth reading in this thread.

(09-11-2011 01:35 AM)I Am Not Avery Wrote:  Honey Badger's post is the only one worth reading in this thread.

No one asked you to read.

i had sex on acid once. it was interesting. felt like my whole body was going down one long, continuous tunnel.

(09-11-2011 08:01 AM)honey badger Wrote:  i had sex on acid once. it was interesting. felt like my whole body was going down one long, continuous tunnel.

...Indeed.
ಠ_ರೃ

Let's post some darker stuff. My brother Trav dated a girl back when he was a junior in high school, and this girl was nothing, but trouble. Compulsive liar, put Travis in the middle of fights with her family, just drama drama drama. Up to this point my brother was a pretty normal kid, football star, ok grades, had a scholarship to play baseball in the works. Well all of the drama with this girl starts to make Travis depressed, and then the bomb drops. This girl turns up pregnant, and she does not want the kid, and Travis desperately wants to keep the kid, and will raise it on his own. Travis was probably the most spiritual of us all, and does not want to have the kid aborted. Well in the end, my mom pays for the abortion, and this completely fucks up my brother to the point of no return. He becomes manic depressive, panic attacks, suicidal, to the point I had to watch as he put a gun to his head, while my parents begged him not to do it. He loses the scholarship, pretty much stops going to school, and it just fucks him up for life. He starts dating another girl, who also ends up pregnant, they have a little boy, but the boy has a cleft palate, not severe but still a birth defect. Travis thinks this is god punishing him for not fighting harder for the previous baby. In the end, he ends up divorced and just not that involved in his only kids life.

Damn bro. That sucks forreal.

Been wanting to write up more stories, but today is one of those days where I want some fucking peace and solitude and I am not getting it.

(09-15-2011 09:41 PM)RDH Wrote:  Been wanting to write up more stories, but today is one of those days where I want some fucking peace and solitude and I am not getting it.

Why not?

My dad had some oral surgery done today four hours away from the town we both live in, I drove him back from it, then came home, and I have two daughters and a wife that all wanted attention from me. I am my two year olds favorite parent, and since I was gone over night, she was very whiney and just wanted me. She has her own bed but insists on sleeping in our room, so we have a little bed next to ours and I hold her hand until she goes to sleep every night. when I am gone she doesn't sleep well.

I'd fix that bro

My dad had a heart attack today. Was four hours away on a business trip, it wasn't a lot of fun driving down the highway crying.

(09-19-2011 09:33 PM)RDH Wrote:  My dad had a heart attack today. Was four hours away on a business trip, it wasn't a lot of fun driving down the highway crying.

Damn...
How is he doing??

My dad is coming home today from the hospital. Good good news. Quick story since I haven't done anything for a while. My kind of crazy 32 year old brother lives with my mom, and one night at dinner he sat at the dinner table without a shirt on. While my mom informed him that we were shirts at the dinner table to which he replied"When did that become a rule?" and strolled off to get a plate of food, so my mom quickly ripped off her shirt and bra and waited for him to turn around with her 57 year old d's just hanging there. Well he did and dry heaved a little, and then went and put on a shirt

Just read all these.

Your mom sounds awesome, so does your dad.

I have a friend named Travis, and it's been a long-time inside joke to say "fuck Travis" as much as we can whether he's there or not. We work it into songs he likes, fix his favorite quotes to say it in one way or another, put it all over his myspace/facebook when he's left them up on the computer, etc. Good times.

(09-26-2011 02:16 PM)RDH Wrote:  My dad is coming home today from the hospital. Good good news. Quick story since I haven't done anything for a while. My kind of crazy 32 year old brother lives with my mom, and one night at dinner he sat at the dinner table without a shirt on. While my mom informed him that we were shirts at the dinner table to which he replied"When did that become a rule?" and strolled off to get a plate of food, so my mom quickly ripped off her shirt and bra and waited for him to turn around with her 57 year old d's just hanging there. Well he did and dry heaved a little, and then went and put on a shirt

icame

My wife has put me on a pretty restrictive diet after all the business with my dad. sigh.