Oh it burnt, but he knew the payoff would be worth it.

Well, your dad is a trooper then, sir.

Man I hate having grown up Mormon, once they figure out you live in a town, they never leave you alone. I haven't been to church since high school, isn't that a big enough hint?

There's a Mormon family that lives on a friend of mine's street; they're like a stereotypical perfect family from the 90's. It's fuckin' weird.

Figured I would tell another Travis/mom story. So my brother Travis ALWAYS got caught when he had sex anywhere near our house. The dumbass had sex in his truck in our driveway, that my mom politely interrupted by taping on the window. Well one day Travis and his gf at the time disappeared so my mom went looking and just opened the door to his room, well his gf was on her knees blowing him. Travis in a panic throws up his hands in the air and my mom goes"Oh what does that mean Travis? Look ma no hands?" and walks out.

Once upon a time a friend and I accidentally set a field on fire with fireworks that was quickly put out and caused no damage, and then like the next week my mom found a porn tape in my vcr in my room. My family called me Porno for Pyros for a while.

One time two of my brothers and this OLD guy who worked on our dairy named Lazero (whose nickname by the way was the black snake, one worker pissed next to him one time and felt forever lacking afterwards said it was to his knee) were putting out mineral for the heifers and my brother JD decided it would be funny to grab a handful of shit and hit my brother Travis in the back of the head with it. JD took off running to the truck went to open it, and Lazero look at him grinned and locked the truck while laughing evilly. Travis came running with a scope shovel of shit and reared back and THUMP, COVERED JD in shit from head to toe.

Jesus christ preschools are breeding houses for plagues. Ever since my three year old started she has been bringing home random illnesses. I have never shit as much as I did last night in my life in a span of eight hours.

(02-03-2012 04:01 PM)RDH Wrote:  Figured I would tell another Travis/mom story. So my brother Travis ALWAYS got caught when he had sex anywhere near our house. The dumbass had sex in his truck in our driveway, that my mom politely interrupted by taping on the window. Well one day Travis and his gf at the time disappeared so my mom went looking and just opened the door to his room, well his gf was on her knees blowing him. Travis in a panic throws up his hands in the air and my mom goes"Oh what does that mean Travis? Look ma no hands?" and walks out.

Awesome

My mom was awesome in some ways, not so much in others. She lost her mind in a mid life crisis and divorced my dad and got remarried a week later. She is sane again, but it took like seven years. My mom has been married five times, my dad got drunk at my sister's wedding and started calling her new husband "cinco."

I am not lying about Travis always getting caught. One 4th of July a group of us teenagers were shooting the shit out on lawn chairs in the front yard of our lakehouse around 1 in the morning or so, when the alarm on my mom's suburban went nuts. All of a sudden Travis comes streaking out of one of the doors butt ass naked into the house looking for the keys, in front of about ten people. His wife came slinking out fully dressed about five minutes later. Apparently if you rock a car enough it's alarm will go off, since they locked it from the inside.

That 4th is remembered by my family because EVERYTHING went wrong. I backed into my dad's truck and dented in a door, Travis was caught having sex, the plug wasn't put in the boat right and it almost sank completely. The most epic part of it was when two of my brothers and two family friends were lighting fireworks on the top of the dock. My mom had bought something like 500 dollars worth of fireworks (this was the 90's so that was ALOT of fireworks) and Travis (seriously, he always does something wacky by accident) went to light the first firework. The top of the dock only had two exits really, jumping off one open part of it to the water, and the stairs going up. The dock also had pole holders that always had a fishing pole in them just because we were lazy fishermen. Well Travis lights the first firework and the bags of fireworks are maybe five feet away. Well he put in one of those mushroom shaped ones in the tube upside down. He lights it realizes what he has done and goes "Shit...." and takes off to jump in the water. What proceeds is one of the most amazing explosions I have ever seen. The chain reactions looks like a movie. One kids is slapping out fires on his legs as he is running for the stairs, JD and Blake have dove over onto the other part of the dock by the shallow end and are just covering their heads laying down. Blake halfway through gets up and jumps into the shallow water, JD looks and realizes this is a good idea and jumps off too only to have a fishing pole finger his whole asscrack as he passes it. Everyone survives amazingly with no serious injuries, but it remains to this day one of the coolest fucking things I have ever seen.

That lakehouse was magicial, we had times where there were like 15 naked people running around. One time I got naked on our boat in front of like 500 people so this chick with huge tits would show them. I have some swagger at times, but it comes and goes.

Figured since Fro is rocking it with tales of awesome I'll tell a tale of shittiness. One weekend at the lakehouse Murphy's Law was FULLY in effect. I had just come back from the Dominican Republic (I spent a month there doing volunteer work when I was 21.) I came back 20 pounds lighter and in pretty decent shape. Well my best friends b day is the week aftere the 4th of July so we traditionally spent it up at the lakehouse, and usually hit up a strip club in Dallas called The Clubhouse. Well in the planning stages Ross mentioned he wanted to bring this one kid who I didn't know with the reasoning being "His girlfriend is in a sorority, she will bring a ton of chicks." I told him no I didn't know the kid, and my parents were trusting me with all the equipment (We had six jetskis and a Tigre boat up there) Well Ross ignores me and brings the kid anyway. This is when shit turns bad.

So this kid and a friend of mine jumped on the jetskis within five minutes of being there and five minutes after that the kid is being a jackass driving close to other friend and rams one jetski into the other. FUCK. So I start stressing out like a motherfucker and start swimming across the channel we lived on, probably a good four or five times so I just don't beat the fuck out of the kid. Well night time comes so we decided oh well let's go to the clubhouse. It is a pretty decent night, we smoke Cubans I brought back from the DR, and we had two girls with us, which is always stripper bait and the girls were showing everything. Well it gets late so we decided to head back to the house which is an hour/ hour and a half away. Well all the drunk asses jump in one car and take off before the sober people could stop them. So we call them and tell them meet us in this parking lot. Well it is 1 am on a shady side of town with a butch of guys sitting in a parked car and a cop pulls up. My friend had left a melted candle in a bag by his rearview window and it was a white candle. Cops proceed to make us get out and start throwing questions at us. Well at this point I am just angry, drunk asses have made us wait 30 minutes, never showed up. So at that time I couldn't drink due to a medical issue, and my eyes are red from the cigars. Well the cop shines his light one me and tells me "You have DEFINITELY been drinking." Being pissed I reply "NO SIR I CAN'T DRINK, IT MAY KILL ME." He gets this look of disbelief and asks my friends if it is true and they pretty much whisper "Yes sir, it is."

So after that ordeal, we call drunk asses and find out the one kid had been driving the truck, while the owner was in the passenger side and the drunk asses decided to get McDonalds. In the drive through, he rams one of those cement poles, and caved in one side of the truck bed. GREAT. So the next day I am just so stressed I am swimming like a motherfucker I must have swum the channel at least eight times and most people could barely make it one way. (I have been swimming since I was a year and a half old.) Weekend isn't over yet though, my cousin when we were loading up the jetski's sucked a rope up in it and fucked that one up as well. Anyway it was one of the more stressful weekends of my life. The kid did end up paying for the other friends truck, but never reimbursed my parents for the jetski damage. To this DAY, my Dad still won't let me take out any of his boats, even though I didn't do a single bit of damage myself. Oh and the sorority chicks never did show up.

Shoulda whooped his candy ass!! That's cool as hell you did that month stint in the DR, prolly made you appreciate what you got a lot more.

I fucking HATE people like the kid you hadn't met before. People who just show up and do whatever they please with whatever happens to be around, regardless of who it belongs to.

I need to write up some stories from the DR thing, it was pretty much all around amazing. I was lucky that my parents were wealthy, and thus I didn't really have any bills in college, but I worked anyway and saved my money so I could do stuff like that. For anyone in their late teens/early twenties I would really recommend going and doing something like that. Especially if you are a single guy, it was me and one other guy, and then 18 girls.

I went on the volunteer work trip with a company called Student Volunteers, basically it was 2000 dollars to go for a month, that covered pretty much your food, hotel and all the activities that you did. It was two weeks of volunteer work followed by two weeks going around the country and doing fun shit. I was working with Haitian refugees, building houses, and working with kids. To give you some perspective, the Dominicans HATE the Haitians, and you can really tell the two apart, because the Dominicans are much lighter skinned. We worked with a couple different clusters, but we were mainly with one group that worked in the sugar cane fields. They cut down sugar cane by hand and were payed 1 dollar per TON that they brought in. I tend not to bitch about work after hearing and seeing that. We also worked with another group that pretty much lived in the city dump and would sort through garbage for stuff they could fix or sell. It was pretty hard seeing some of that stuff. There were NO fat people anywhere, except for the voodoo priest. Families would live in rooms that were the size of some closets back home, with no air conditioning or any of that bullshit. None of the kids really wore any shoes, didn't really matter though, their feet were like leather. Pretty much all the Haitians spoke three languages, Spanish, French, and Creole. When they wanted to talk to you, Spanish, about you French or Creole. Now the kids would each claim an American and follow them around all week. They would get PISSED if you played with other kids, since they claimed you as their own. They would look out for you though and make sure you didn't fuck up. One kid named Jensen claimed me, and I looked out for another called Santo. Every meal was pretty much chicken and rice and you walked everywhere. Have to go right now, will finish up later.

It was pretty heartbreaking to walk into a small room that had soot all on the walls because it was where they cooked and lived. It is hard to really sum up how much all this makes you appreciate what goes on here in the states. The dump group probably effected me the hardest. The social situation there is also crazy, the lighter skinned you are, the higher up you are on the social ladder. The guy that ran the place we stayed at, used to be in Haiti until it became too crazy there to stay. The women there used to try to trade chickens with his wife to fuck him, so their kids could be lighter skinned. Anyway enough of the depressing shit let's get onto the cool and fun stuff. One night there we went to what they call carwashes there. During the day they are a car wash, at night they roll out a bar, and it becomes a club. Now to drink down there is crazyyyyyy cheap, I couldn't really drink at that time due to some stuff with my liver, but I could sip some stuff. You could get a massive bottle of a beer called Presidente for a buck. Also Cuban cigars were crazy cheap as well, so nights out were fun. Well I was dancing with this chick from our group having a good time, when the hot waitress taps my shoulder and wants to dance with me. So I turn out and start dancing with her, next thing I know her legs are wrapped around me and she is bouncing up and down on me. Now the Dominicans are pretty damn hot, they have African, Spanish, and French blood going on down there and it's a good mix. So I am having fun dancing with her, and soon her two friends join in. As soon as they step to me, within 10 seconds every part part of my body is being touch and fondled, and somehow my shirt ends up off of me. The local guys think this is just fucking fantastic and spend the night buying me drinks, giving me their hat, and one was a cop who told me if I get in trouble drop his name, and he will get me out. I end up making out with the waitress, and if I wasn't stuck on a bus with a group, could have done more. This gave me a huge boost of confidence that would end up biting me in the ass.

The two weeks of the volunteer work ended a couple days later, and we went on to this place called Cabarette. It was the party town on this side of the island. Bars opened to the beach and you just wandered from bar to bar. One night we went out as a group, and at a bar this pimp asks me if I want cocaine or drugs, I tell him no, then he asks if I want women, I laugh and say nahhh man I am good. Well I see this SMOKING hot chick sitting at the bar, and ask her to dance. We are dancing and she asks me "Tu quero massage? I go Que?, Tu quero Massage?, What?, You want a massage?" Then she grabs my dick. I look over and the pimp is like two feet away ready to do business. I slowly try to moonwalk my way off the dance floor. I go back to my group and go "I just danced with a hooker, I think I am done for the night."

Now the really awesome part of this trip was the physical stuff. Like I said I dropped 20 pounds there, mostly from the diet and the constant things to do. We rode horses up to 100 foot waterfalls, found this cave where the roof collapsed in and it filled with water, and it was just amazingly blue. I went cliff diving, swam in coral reefs, etc. One day we did this thing called canyoning where basically you hike and repel down into a canyon, hike down it, then climb the mountain back up. now I wasn't processing it right when they said they had a six hour trip and a two hour trip, and chose the six hour. MOST TIRED I HAVE EVER BEEN. It was six solid hours of hiking, jumping, climbing, etc. By the time we got back I was so fucking tired I couldn't even lift a spoon to eat soup. Another time we went hiking for a couple hours and come to this hole in the ground, which was a cave system and we were going to go spelunking. Well I was one of the last to repel in, and I get to the bottom and it is just a ray of light in a cave and I have all this equipment on. So I stand there dramatically and go " I am Batman!" Sadly it was all girls so I didn't get a single laugh. We ended up swimming in an underground river in the cave, and that was fantastic.

The weird part of the trip was when we came to the capital. Now for the better part of the month we had been surrounded by poverty, I mean zero fat people, lucky to have a couple chickens type of thing. We hit the capital and all of a sudden there are Mercedes, and BMW's everywhere. I think that was the part that really fucking boggled my mind. All this wealth right there, while the rest of the country was poor as shit. I actually didn't like the capital part as much as the rest of the trip, just because it seemed so fucking wrong to me.

Awesome story is awesome. I'll probably sound like a hypocrite here as I've never done a month long stint but I've worked single days with the less fortunate and I agree 110% that most of America's youth should HAVE to do something similiar to appreciate what they have. I haven't done any volunteer work in a few years but I do give $100 yearly to the United Way to go towards helping my community. It's not much but I'm only a part-timer and every little bit helps.

On another note, I really wanna print out your sugar cane story and take it into work tonight so I can show some of these lazy fucks how gravy we have it. Three to five hours a night, decent to good hourly wage (depending on seniority) and most important: FULL medical, dental & vision insurance. Yet some of these assholes piss and moan the whole time because they feel they should be paid to do nothing. Makes me see red....bigtime. Sorry for jacking your page there, I just hate even bringing them slobs up cuz I can't shut up about 'em

That sounds like a fucking awesome time. I also agree with you on how fucked America is compared to the rest of the world. We may have money, fat people, vehicles, computers in our pockets, and all sorts of luxurious things (that a lot of us don't even consider luxurious anymore because we've gotten so used to having that type of shit), but anyone in just about any other country probably appreciates life a lot more than we do. And the real kicker is that while we have all these things, we change the channel when commercials about helping less fortunate people come on.

Found out my wife is pregnant again today, going to be the third kid and probably the last. Only in the first two weeks though, so it may not stick.

Man mention a baby and it kills a sub forum.

Gotta tell more stories, man. Congrats on the baby though, unless you aren't looking forward to it.

I just realized this thread has 2500 views fuck me. I'm about to meet a saleswoman for lunch, but I will write up some more stories this afternoon.